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| Music is the air that I breathe. I don't know what I would be without music. Music has helped me get through so many difficult times in my life and even though I know I'm not the only one music has saved, I like to think so anyway... When I listen to a song, however long it lasts, most songs lasts for about 3 minutes... for those 3 minutes I feel like I'm one with the singer of the song and he or she is telling me that they understand me and they're there for me and that everything will be okay... music is my way out of this crazy event that we refer to as life. It's my drug.
Singing has always been IT for me, it cannot get any better than singing for me. I sing all the time, whether I'm happy or sad or just plain blank! When I sing, I feel I'm not whoever people label me as or whoever I label myself as, I'm just an instrument producing a sound... I'm not Asian, I'm not European, I'm not African, I'm not a boy, I'm not a girl, I'm not short, tall, fat, thin... I'm none of those... I'm just somebody, minus the "just".
There's nothing better than when you discover new songs that speak the truth and that take the words out of your mouth, whether they're old songs that you just haven't heard of until now or new songs... that feeling, that heavy feeling in your chest when you listen to the song(s) and you absorb the lyrics that the singer's singing.... oh my goodness me!
Music can make you feel happy, sad, depressed, ecstatic, elated, blank, dead, crazy, rebellious, everything...
And because of this, I'm thankful that I have music in my life.
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| So I made it to 2010! There's so much thoughts in my head I don't know where to begin - something that's not so unusual for me! Warning... what follows is a completely ridiculous, complex rambling that jumps from one thing to the other and then back again... head ache guaranteed!
Let me start by saying I went a whole day without smoking yesterday! I went out for a smoke today and let me tell you, I got a buzz I haven't had in forever! I didn't really enjoy it! I'm not one of those people who go around saying they quit whatever vices they have... I'm really not, however I don't like being dependent on anything! I want to be able to say NO whenever I feel like it... does that make any sense at all? Hmnn... Anyway, in light of the situation, I did it and I'm well glad! I have to say that it wasn't easy though! Especially since I'm extremely ill at the moment... I remember feeling this way ages ago as well! Anyway... I really do need to cut down on smoking, I smoke way too much! So from now on, I'm a non-smoker... ok maybe not really, but you get my drift!
I haven't really fully allowed myself to enter 2010, for several reasons... I want to start this year right and with a BANG and until I get that BANG, I refuse to enter 2010. How bloody awesome am I? :(
God, I don't even know what to do and or say anymore... For a while there I thought I had it going, I was doing really well, studying hard and not letting anything get in the way of me and my goals, which is to do really well in uni and finish it as fast as I can, however the holidays have fucked me over! I just got holidays after holidays and now I feel I'm back in that cycle I was in for about hmmn... let's see, 4 years?!
I feel detached from everything and everyone and a part of me feels rather sad but a part of me feel like I can't control myself from being the way that I am! I feel I need a proper attitude check and real fast! I feel I'm losing everyone, or well I'm pushing everyone away from me and making it really difficult for them to stick around and be around me...why? I'm not sure!
I have two assignments left before I finish my foundation year completely and start my first year this February! I hope I can get them done in time and earn the credits I need in order to move on to the next stage in this thing called university. AHHHHHHH!!! pressure mounts as the due dates draw near...
I hope I can get out of this, this... thing. I don't even know what to call it! Ugh, I'm fed up with it and I'm fed up of using everything and everyone as a scapegoat for everything that's wrong with myself, but I'm also tired of using myself as a scapegoat for everything that's wrong around me!
I need to go to the dentist! I don't know why I can't get myself to go, for fuck's sake, I've needed to go for too long, I'm worried I will regret not having gone earlier... that's probably what's stopping me from going in the first place! Hmn...
I want to live and not just exist, that's my supposed resolution, if you can even call it that, for the new year... but with the way things are going so far, I doubt that's going to happen! But the year is proper fresh, so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt!
I want to isolate myself from the world and go somewhere completely remote... sometimes. Often I want to go somewhere where I can start anew and make something of myself but I fear my past will continually haunt me regardless of where I go. You know what the problem with me is? I have an excuse for everything and I let every excuse get in the way of what I actually want to do, or at least think I want to do!
I want to go through a day without having to worry about the death of my loved ones or anything of that nature! I'm so tired of having to think about all of that every single minute of every single day! I'm so tired of fucking myself over!
I'M SO SCARED I WON'T BE ABLE TO PERFORM WELL IN/WITH MY STUDIES... I CAN'T ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! SHITE! ARGHHHHH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! BLOODY FUCK!!!
I'm killing myself very very slowly with the poison that my brain releases to my system every single second of every day... I'm a hazard to myself, what a shame!
Anyway, I don't know what else to say or how else I can express myself in a way that makes any sense at all... Clearly this post is a big arse fail! Just like my other entries! BOO!!!
:( :( :(
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| It's a Sunday evening and here I am on my bed feeling completely restless and bored and upset and irritated with everything and everyone around me! After about a week or two of good times, I guess this is one of those down times again, hey? Before anything else, I really need to blog on a regular basis again, so as to brush up on my writing skills... I really suck at it now! Shame! Anyway, so yeah, I feel completely disgusting! I hate this feeling. I've been so "bleh" the whole day, and that's really the only word, if you can even call it that, that I can find to describe how I feel! It's stupid because this is like my weekend, I should be enjoying it, but instead here I am, locked inside my room listening to the same song(s) over and over and over again and it's doing my head in! I hope I do my essays well and get to submit them on time, otherwise they won't be worth anything! Oh shoot, I need to bloody speak to that bloody teacher who hasn't taught any of us anything at all and we're supposed to come up with a presentation and essay on the topic we were given. What's that about?! Anyway, I thought I could do this, but I can't. I can't be fucking arsed, omggg I want to scream! lol | | |
| In exactly 8 minutes, I'll be turning 21. I'm here on my bed, all alone in the house, listening to Chris Martin going on about how he'll fix me. Sigh. Wow. I feel like crying. Is that normal? 21. I've been through a whole lot the past 21 years... most especially the last several years... I've learnt or at least I want to believe I have.
Here's to 21 more.
cheers!
happy birthday, luigi!
xxx
big props to GOD for being so loving and understanding. thanks for sticking by me! x
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| Music is my life. I have loved and been amazed by loads and loads of songs, artists over the past 20 years but never have I related to one as much as I do with Jon McLaughlin's songs... for so many reasons, I can't even explain...
He's brilliant! He's legendary, he truly is. Truly is one of the best ones of our time!
hmn... now, for other news... solitude is the way forward! i find that it's easier to be alone than to be with people... people that were once my "family" or whatever, really... i find it's much easier for me to just stick to myself than have to put in effort to be with people, which is such a character change for me, but such is life, hey?
fuck it, and fuck everyone, lol i want to be immature for at least 5 minutes right now, so i shall rant... i don't need you, not that you care, but seriously, you can have all the fun now, it doesn't matter, it seriously doesn't. all of what you have now will be gone soon... i, however will be the same.
lol that sounded rather random and stupid, but ooh i'm tired and i'm sleep-deprived.
go jon!!!
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